No my husband, actually I should say soon to be ex-husband is causing serious mental stress. He has made several comments about committing suicide. He has always had depression but would never get help for it. I called our local ambulance and police department. He would not go with them to get help. I was never afraid of him before. Now I'm afraid that he's going to commit suicide with me in the building or he's going to try to take me with him.
Then the issue of abandonment is kicking in. This is tough to deal with when you only know two people in the big city of Fort Worth, Texas. His threats of suicide kick up the anxiety of my mom trying to commit suicide when I was 16/17. It's sad that it still affects me nearly 20+ years later. I feel like if I leave, I'm the one that will be the cause of his death. I felt the same way when my Mom tried it. If I had been a better daughter. If I had been more successful. If I had been more supportive of my Mom.
Then I become angry. This man knows my past with my mom. He knows how I feel when it comes to suicide. To suggest that he's going to commit suicide and then treat the relationship like everything is o.k. This just shows me how much he's into the relationship. To commit suicide instead of trying to work it out. To commit suicide instead of getting help. Then to ignore the elephant in the room.
Where does that leave me? Probably to the next possible homeless shelter opening. A place where I will have to humble myself because I was there before. I then was able to work there and had to take on an authoritative role. I know that there will be teasing, rudeness, and maybe some hate heading my way.
I can't go on living like this though. I made my partner and the relationship drastically more important in my mind than I cared for myself as an individual. We can't do that as human beings. We have to make sure that we are surviving in our lives before we can take care of someone else.
